Tag Archives: life

Confessions of a proclaimed self-sabotaging queen.

“I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.”

Over and over we hear the words ‘If we cannot love ourselves then how can we expect anyone else to love us?’

I’ve always been one to think of this as the biggest cliché known to man – the idea that just because we are not happy with ourselves means that another could not be happy with us as well.

That is until now.

I’ve learnt some pretty big life lessons along the way; most of which I have come to learn on my own. I have had realisations, experiences, problems and situations that have all resulted in me learning something about others, the world and myself.

However, sometimes the biggest lessons in life are not ones that we can stumble across on our own. Sometimes, we need to be guided, pushed poked prodded or even broken before we can have the big epiphany that changes our lives.

There was no big ‘moment’ for me – no big realisation or coming of age experience that made me understand that not loving myself was the biggest form of self-sabotage I could ever commit.

It came from the decision that I could no longer sit around and complain about a bad back and some bulging discs, and about getting fat AGAIN. It came from understanding that every time I picked up a piece of chocolate or ice cream or chips or bottle of diet coke that I was sabotaging all of the hard work and pain I was putting in and going through.

Sometimes it is something this simple that opens the flood gates, something this uncomplicated that puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.

I’d always thought of myself as a ‘go getter’, someone who took action rather than complained. A young well adjusted female who saw the best in everyone and everything, and as long as the ‘everyone and everything’ wasn’t me or my life I was right and happy to see the best of every possible situation.

My life however was and is a different story – I have never been able to see the good in myself – I have never been able to imagine myself in a happy relationship, fit and healthy and exactly where I want and need to be in the world. I have always felt slightly out of place in my surroundings and uneasy when any attention is directed my way. Whilst I do love the person that I am, I don’t LIKE myself.

I have spent so long building up walls and playing them off as ‘normal’. When in fact if we are being completely honest with ourselves, we know that being so heavily guarded is never a good thing. Never letting anyone in and seeing the real us is and will only result in heartache, and not trusting ourselves to make the right decisions is the worst decision that we can make.

Compliments do not sit well with me, in fact they don’t sit anywhere with me. I cannot accept the nice words of others in fact they make me uncomfortable. I rebound them, deflect them, make sarcastic jokes at my own expense and generally just make everything into a joke so that the attention is not on me. This is so detrimental to me, someone who projects the image of a strong and happy girl, when in fact I am not strong, when in fact I rely so heavily on the approval of others. Unfortunately I am driven by others opinions of myself, and seek their approval, but when I get it I don’t know how to process it or what to do with it.

There is a part of me somewhere deep down inside that knows the person that I am, that knows my worth and my value. But that person has a really difficult time understanding why and how anyone else would ever feel the same, why another person would actively choose to be apart of my life.

But alas all is not lost.

It has taken literally being berated about my self esteem or lack there of and this self-sabotaging for me to realise that it is not up to me, and nor do I have a right to try and understand and comprehend and question why others feel the way they do about me, good or bad.

A compliment is just that, a compliment; accept it in the good nature and jest that it was meant – I should let it build me up and ‘pump up my tyres’, smile and move on.

No longer can I continue to look at the negatives in my life, the bad things that have happened or that have been said. No longer can I continue to put myself down, to stop myself achieving everything that I know I can, and most of all, no longer can I pretend to act ok when I am not – It’s ok to not be ok and to let people know.

It is with this self realization, that I put down the chocolate, back away from the soft drink, get into the gym, take pride in myself, accept the nice words said about me and to me, and vow to always see the glass as half full of vodka. I am making this promise to myself that no longer will I feel depressed and appologise for who I am – no longer will I hide behind what I think people want me to be and no longer will I not ‘like’ myself – because if not even I like myself…. Then how can anyone else…

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But what do you mean you don’t like me.

One of the hardest lessons in life to learn is that not everybody will like you. 

This is a life lesson that couldn’t have come any quicker for me – its a lesson I’ve also struggled with at times. I like to think that I am a friendly, kind, caring person, who has a big heart, however sometimes there are parts of my personality that just don’t sit well with others.

Sometimes I rub people up the wrong way, offend people without meaning to, and sometimes people just don’t warm to me. But learning and accepting this – as hard as it is – has changed the way I think about other people and life. It has meant that I don’t spend every spare minute of my time (not that I ever get a spare minute) over thinking and analysing every aspect of other peoples actions to gage why they perhaps don’t like me.

Why is it that we care so much?

Each of us can not possibly like every person we meet – so why do we find it so inconceivable that we may not be liked by someone else? We place far to much emphasis on what other people think about us, and give far to much power to those around us.

Why do we care about people looking at us when we walk into the room? why do we always assume the whispering that we can hear is about us? And even if it is – why do we care? The people that we know and love, know and love us back. Those, are who we should concern ourselves with. It is those peoples opinions that matter.

While I am not suggesting that we stop trying, stop caring if we are nice to each other, and stop worrying about offending people – I am merely suggesting that there are those who will never be pleased by anything that we do – and it is those people, that we need to move on from. 

At the end of the day, one person not liking you should not bare any impact on your life – (unless of course that person is your mother in law.. that could be problematic 🙂

This also goes for others judging us. Why should we care if others chose to judge us harshly, if others chose to believe their own truths. As long as you live loyal to what you believe in, then there should be no concern with what others think about us. 

But the same can be said for each and every one of us. We need to remember whilst judging others, are we perfect? Are there things about ourselves that we would change? We need to be kinder, be realistic, and understand we are all different

We need to have faith in ourselves, be kind, gracious of others, but also be accepting that not everyone feels the same way we do. 

If we can care less about others thoughts and more about embracing our own – then the world would be a happier place…

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Failure? What does it really mean…

We all fail – it’s an inevitable part of life, but what does it mean?

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Why are we so afraid of, ‘When our best just isn’t good enough’?

One little statement can bring so much fear, anxiousness, and depression to someone, but why. Mention the word fail and people freeze up, it is the unimaginable thing – to actually fail at something.

In sports, in our careers, in our marriages, in our relationships, in our education, failure is just not an option, but why?

Whilst we have all been in the position of supporting the losing sporting team and cursing them for their ‘poor’ effort, perhaps we need to sit back and say that their best WAS good enough? I mean we grow up hearing our parents preach to us, that all they can expect from us is to try our hardest – as long as we did our best thats all they could ask for (or at least thats what my parents said to me).

I understand the disappointment in training for something for so long, in having life goals, and watching these be destroyed because you failed. But I also think that after the initial shock of failure subsides, we need to embrace the fact that at least we had the opportunity – at least we had the chance to try.

I must explain why I feel like discussing failure –  I see a possible failure in my not to distant future – a big failure for me. I can see it coming, peddling along slowly growing in momentum, and at this point theres nothing that I can do to stop it. It really is through no fault of mine – I have tried my hardest, done everything that is humanly possible – and at the end of the day that is all I can do. However I am also willing to embrace the consequences that come with failing, the consequences that come with being responsible for something succeeding and it not.  I’m not happy about failing, nor can I imagine anyone every actually being happy about failing. But I am however going to embrace it. Again the biggest cliche is to learn from your mistakes – but I think we need to learn from our failures as well.

I consider these two separate thoughts, as mistakes and failures are two different things. I believe a mistake is when you do the wrong thing, don’t try, don’t give it your all, don’t commit. (I will blog on my philosophy on mistakes another time)           Whereas a failure, is when you do try, you do commit, you want to succeed and have done everything humanly possible to do so – but for one reason or another it just doesn’t happen.

I also think that we need to embrace the idea that generally there will always be someone better than us. This does not mean that I accept mediocracy and will settle for a half assed effort, it just means that I will always strive to be better than I currently am, to try and reach that person that is ahead of me. I think we need to think like this – or else we will drive ourselves crazy whenever we actually do meet someone who is better than us at something. If we believe that someone is better than us at a given task/tool/talent, then we won’t go crazy when we meet that person – but rather respect them for their efforts and try to grow and learn from them. It is not a failure not to be the best, it is a failure to not even be in the race.

I know that an athlete may read this and criticise my thoughts, as they think that failing is the worst thing for them.  Losing a grand final, or coming second in the final of the 100 meter sprint seems like the end of the world. However I think that by believing that you are only worth the place you get in a sporting competition is limiting , you are devaluing yourself. You’re  not just the sport you play – you have more to offer the world. And at the end of the day we are all adults – we are not going to criticise you for trying and failing – but for not trying in the first place.

This goes for anything in life, a career, a relationship, education: to have failed at something, means that you actually tried. As long as you have tried your hardest. And at the end of the day, who really cares if you fail. As long as you gave it your all, hold your head up high, laugh it off and try again. We won’t get anywhere if we are scared of failing. Nor will we get anywhere, if when we do fail, we stay down, to scared to get back up.

Don’t be scared to make the leap  because the fall may be to great. Make the leap, and if you fall, dust yourself off and leap again!!!

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