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Confessions of a proclaimed self-sabotaging queen.

“I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but I think of things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet I’m ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am. I say I don’t care, but I really do. I crave attention, but reject it when it comes my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction. If I can’t figure myself out, there’s no way anyone else has.”

Over and over we hear the words ‘If we cannot love ourselves then how can we expect anyone else to love us?’

I’ve always been one to think of this as the biggest cliché known to man – the idea that just because we are not happy with ourselves means that another could not be happy with us as well.

That is until now.

I’ve learnt some pretty big life lessons along the way; most of which I have come to learn on my own. I have had realisations, experiences, problems and situations that have all resulted in me learning something about others, the world and myself.

However, sometimes the biggest lessons in life are not ones that we can stumble across on our own. Sometimes, we need to be guided, pushed poked prodded or even broken before we can have the big epiphany that changes our lives.

There was no big ‘moment’ for me – no big realisation or coming of age experience that made me understand that not loving myself was the biggest form of self-sabotage I could ever commit.

It came from the decision that I could no longer sit around and complain about a bad back and some bulging discs, and about getting fat AGAIN. It came from understanding that every time I picked up a piece of chocolate or ice cream or chips or bottle of diet coke that I was sabotaging all of the hard work and pain I was putting in and going through.

Sometimes it is something this simple that opens the flood gates, something this uncomplicated that puts all the pieces of the puzzle together.

I’d always thought of myself as a ‘go getter’, someone who took action rather than complained. A young well adjusted female who saw the best in everyone and everything, and as long as the ‘everyone and everything’ wasn’t me or my life I was right and happy to see the best of every possible situation.

My life however was and is a different story – I have never been able to see the good in myself – I have never been able to imagine myself in a happy relationship, fit and healthy and exactly where I want and need to be in the world. I have always felt slightly out of place in my surroundings and uneasy when any attention is directed my way. Whilst I do love the person that I am, I don’t LIKE myself.

I have spent so long building up walls and playing them off as ‘normal’. When in fact if we are being completely honest with ourselves, we know that being so heavily guarded is never a good thing. Never letting anyone in and seeing the real us is and will only result in heartache, and not trusting ourselves to make the right decisions is the worst decision that we can make.

Compliments do not sit well with me, in fact they don’t sit anywhere with me. I cannot accept the nice words of others in fact they make me uncomfortable. I rebound them, deflect them, make sarcastic jokes at my own expense and generally just make everything into a joke so that the attention is not on me. This is so detrimental to me, someone who projects the image of a strong and happy girl, when in fact I am not strong, when in fact I rely so heavily on the approval of others. Unfortunately I am driven by others opinions of myself, and seek their approval, but when I get it I don’t know how to process it or what to do with it.

There is a part of me somewhere deep down inside that knows the person that I am, that knows my worth and my value. But that person has a really difficult time understanding why and how anyone else would ever feel the same, why another person would actively choose to be apart of my life.

But alas all is not lost.

It has taken literally being berated about my self esteem or lack there of and this self-sabotaging for me to realise that it is not up to me, and nor do I have a right to try and understand and comprehend and question why others feel the way they do about me, good or bad.

A compliment is just that, a compliment; accept it in the good nature and jest that it was meant – I should let it build me up and ‘pump up my tyres’, smile and move on.

No longer can I continue to look at the negatives in my life, the bad things that have happened or that have been said. No longer can I continue to put myself down, to stop myself achieving everything that I know I can, and most of all, no longer can I pretend to act ok when I am not – It’s ok to not be ok and to let people know.

It is with this self realization, that I put down the chocolate, back away from the soft drink, get into the gym, take pride in myself, accept the nice words said about me and to me, and vow to always see the glass as half full of vodka. I am making this promise to myself that no longer will I feel depressed and appologise for who I am – no longer will I hide behind what I think people want me to be and no longer will I not ‘like’ myself – because if not even I like myself…. Then how can anyone else…

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Friday Favourites

It’s that time of the week again people!!! 🙂

1. Catching up with an old friend

2. Waking up and realising that you get to go back to sleep for a few hours before your alarm goes off

3. Getting results back on an assignment and doing better than you thought

4. Getting your pay after a hard week at working – and knowing that it was worth it

5. After being sick – the day yo wake up healthy and completely appreciate being well

6. Winning $2 on a scratchy and not cashing it in, instead buying another scratchy

7. Paying off and picking up a lay-by that you have been wiring for

8. New shoes

9. Smelling beautiful flowers as you walk past someones garden

10. Walking past a stranger and them smelling amazing (its not creep its one of the joys of life)

 

Thats my ten for this week guys – send me some of yours!!!

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May 16, 2012 · 10:56 pm

This is a love story. This is a tragedy. (please click on this link and watch the video)

In light of my last post on equal rights for gay marriage, I read/watched this touching story. Please take 10 minutes out of your day to watch. All love is equal, all love deserves a chance.

These two boys are gorgeous and deserved the right to love each other unconditionally.

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May 13, 2012 · 4:55 pm

What an extraordinary world we live in…

WOW. Who knew, who thought, but WOW. The only thing to add to what President Barak Obama said is

– IT’S ABOUT TIME!!!

Whilst I understand that people are arguing that it is an election year, 6 months out, being used to gain votes, at the end of the day, does it really matter? Irrespective of President Obama’s intensions, he cannot take back this statement, and now that he has publicly expressed his approval of gay marriage, action will need to be taken. Currently, as it stands, this is not an election promise, he has not in so many words said that he will make policy changes to reflect his personal feelings, however purely by making his opinion public, he has put pressure on governments the world over to make comment on Gay marriage, and these governments and leaders, such as our own Julia Gillard, who do not share President Obama’s liberal views are being asked why.

No longer is the question why should they be allowed to get married, but it is – why shouldn’t they be allowed to get married?

In a country that goes to war to ensure other nationalities have equality, here in Australia not even all of our citizens have equality. There is no logical rational behind this type of action. We spend millions even billions of dollars every year to ensure human equality world wide, but cannot guarantee it in our own backyard.

However, with the controversy a statement like this has caused, it is fair to say that President Obama’s opinions are not the same as those shared by the mass population.

But the question I pose is why? I’ve listened, I’ve heard the arguments, but I still am yet to hear anything that I feel enables others to pose this type of discrimination on people in Australia, America, or any other country, who are gay and want to marry. It’s safe to say that some of the argument are just down right ridiculous. Now me personally, I am not gay – I am a happy heterosexual, however my rights should be the same rights shared by all Australians.

People have argued religion as the reason behind not allowing gay marriage. Now – I don’t want to end up in an anti religion rant, however, I think that we need to take stock, and realise that religion is not all it is cracked up to be. Now I’m not saying don’t believe in God – go for it. This is not about my religious beliefs, this is about understanding and realising that times have changed. Religion can be linked back to almost every war or terrorist attack, it is the source of genocide, it is the source of much discrimination and fighting world wide – but is religion not meant to be peaceful? The bible may not agree with gay marriage, but there are a lot of things that the bible condemns in relation to marriage – that heterosexual couples still do – divorce, adultery, sex before marriage. It also needs to be remembered, that not everybody is religious, and not everybody believes that you are going to burn in hell for being gay – why is one somewhat minority group allowed to dictate to another somewhat minority group?

There is also the other religious argument that marriage was created in the bible so therefore what it says goes. Now, this may be true. But I know if and when I get married, it won’t be a religious decision, it won’t be to justify my union in the eyes of god, it won’t be to ensure that I ‘get into heaven’ or to not commit sin – it will be because I want to make a commitment to the one I love in the eyes of others that I love, it has almost become a right of passage rather than a religious ceremony. If god agrees, then so be it, if god doesn’t – well I’m sorry God – but if as the bible says – you created all of us – then not only did YOU create gay people, but you also have to respect what you created.

Now this leads into the argument that gay marriage disrespects the sanctity of marriage. This argument I feel is the more ludicrous of the lot. To begin with, have heterosexuals not been ‘disrespecting the sanctity of marriage’ for many years? With the divorce rate somewhere around 2 out of every 3 marriages ending, and cheating, lying, violence, and all the other horrendous things heterosexuals who are suppose to be in love do to each other, why do we think that gay couples could possibly make marriage any worse? I believe in marriage, I also believe that sometimes things don’t work out and that divorce can sometimes be the best option, but as far as sanctity of marriage is concerned, should we not be allowed to divorce then? – why draw the line in the sand at gay marriage? If cheating is legal, if divorce is legal, why can’t gay marriage be legal?

And my favourite argument for not allowing gay marriage – marriage was set up to foster baby making. I know plenty of straight married couples, who have no intensions of having children, I also know gay couples, not married who have children. Clearly marriage does not dictate ones ability to have kids – therefore why should we stop people getting married just because some are too scared that gay people will have kids? And for that matter – why are we making the marriage debate about children? Just because a gay couple gets married does not mean that they are going to raise an army of kids, and even if they did, why would it matter? Gay people don’t necessarily  breed gay people the same way as straight people don’t necessarily breed straight people, are we still really concerned that a child have two loving parents of the same gender is worse than one parent or an abusive home or no parents? Irrespective of your beliefs on gay couples having children – it is not anybodies right to stop them expressing their love and getting married.

In my mind there is no good reason why gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to get married. For straight people to argue that gay marriage demeans marriage, then they are saying that gay love is somehow less than straight love, and that is straight up discrimination. All love is love, being gay is not illegal, no laws are being broken, no one is getting hurt or taken advantage of. For the few close minded people – who somehow think they have a right  to express negative comments on this matter – WHAT GIVES YOU THAT RIGHT? Free speech or no free speech, gay people getting married does not affect you, they are not asking you to celebrate them, they aren’t even asking for your approval, all they are asking for, is the right to express their love in a legally binding and recognised way.

Being gay is not a choice, the same way that being female, male, black, white, Australian, America, Asian, Middle Eastern are not choice. We stamp out racism where ever possible – LETS STAMP OUT HOMOPHOBIA TO!!

And plus – did you see the gay wedding on Sex and the City – GREATEST.WEDDING.EVER – get me there now!!!

 

 

 

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Friday Favourites!

Missed last weeks – so lets make this weeks awesome!!

1. Getting a hand written letter in the mail or any type of parcel in the mail

2. Finding money in your winter jacket from last season

3.  Witnessing something extraordinary

4. A rainbow after a storm

5. Actually the storm as well

6. A hot shower with amazing pressure

7. Finding something in the back of your wardrobe that you haven’t worn in forever!!

8. Getting together with extended family – can and normally is hectic and unpredictable, but some of my best memories are from moments spent with my direct and extended family

9. Waking up to your cat or dogs face – that look of excitement that you’r finally awake, and the love in their eyes nawww 🙂

10. Waking up after a stressful week and having nothing to do, No homework, No work, Nothing planned – it is the most relaxing and stress free feeling in the world

So here are my ten for the week – I’m starting to really have to think about these – so please comment people and tell me your favourite things – and I will do a readers Friday Favourites!!!

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The pink elephant in the room….FAT

A much fatter world is upon us. In a study by the Australian Government in 2006 it was shown that over 60% of adults were over weight or obese. A number I’m sure has only risen since then. There are no words for such a result. We are meant to be the active country, the one who loves a healthy lifestyle, our sport, the beaches and all that goes along with that.

But apparently not so much.

It’s not that I’m hating on ‘fat’ people, nor am I suggesting that everybody doesn’t have the right to be comfortable in their skin just the way they are. But rather I’m expressing my concern for the weight problems the world over.

The only reason I feel even somewhat qualified to make comment on this subject is because at one point I was ‘fat’. Having lost a substantial amount of weight, with still a considerable amount to go, I understand how easy it is to let go, enjoy food a little too much, and not want to get off the couch. I also understand how difficult it is to lose weight, how to make those first changes, how to manage a hectic schedule and how to try and maintain a healthy lifestyle even though you want that piece of cake!!

What worries me, is more and more people feel quite ok with living an unhealthy lifestyle and do not see the harm in it.   Have people not realised that in this day and age obesity has overtaken smoking as the leading cause of preventable deaths?

Yet – day in day out – we hear the complaints about smoking and how people are actively killing themselves (now don’t get me wrong I have lost too many people to cancer to ever consider smoking to be a personal choice – as far as I’m concerned outlaw them, keep raising the prices) but what I am saying, is that when we complain about someone being fat and inactive, we are seen as the horrible people, who should be tiptoeing around the ‘pink elephant’ in the room, that is FAT.

Why can’t we call it like we see it? At some point there is no excuse for being too fat. I’ve heard them all, and used most of them, things like : It’s just too hard, Nothing works, I don’t have the time, I’m big boned, I’m doing everything right but not getting results, I need more food than that. At the end of the day we are only lying to ourself. Unless there is an actual injury preventing you from doing physical activity, or some extraordinary reason that you need to consume so much of the wrong foods – then I cannot think of any excuse good enough to put your health at such risk.

I understand that it is hard – but coming from a fat person at heart – there really is no excuse, all you need is a little support. I’m not saying in the form of a mentor or someone you pay lots of money to ‘care’ about your weight-lose or healthy lifestyle journey. But someone who genuinely cares, not because they have to but because they want to, and the funny thing is that will generally come from someone at your local gym – all you have to do is make that first step in the door.

For me I was lucky – I had a family member willing to work out beside me, willing to push me when I didn’t want to push myself. But I also found at my local gym a trainer, who whilst I couldn’t afford to pay for personal training session, was happy to share his knowledge, words of wisdom, helpful hints or words of encouragement that I needed at the time. And whilst he may not think that he played a large part in my weight-lose to date, the times that I spent working out in his classes laid the most solid foundations for my work out ethics, and showed me that I could push myself to new lengths. Not to be afraid of a little hard work and sweat, that a bit of pain wasn’t going to kill me, that in fact it was my friend.

And before people start wanting to linch me and throw pitch forks at me for having such a black and white opinion regarding being over weight, just remember I was overweight. I am currently still TRYING to lose weight. I am currently still clocking up the miles on the treadmill, beating the crap out of a boxing bag and trying to lift my own body weight just to get somewhere. I’m currently trying to eat as clean healthily as possible, to not crash diet and to not binge eat. And to add to all of that – I found out recently that I actually do have a medical condition that hinders weight lose. But yet, If I am to let that be an excuse and a reason to not continue – then I have wasted the 30kilograms that I have lost, and all the hard work put in by others around me to help me get to this point.

I’m not trying to say that we need to force those around us to put down the chips and get up and do something – I completely understand that it is something you have to do and be committed to doing when you are ready, in your own time. If you are forced to do it – it won’t last. Sadly it is all about head space, and being in the right frame of mind to conquer weight-lose and diet issues. But those of us who are to embarrassed to walk into a gym, or keep saying ‘tomorrow’ are never going to get anywhere.

My worst fear was being the biggest, unfit-test in the gym, but isn’t that exactly the point of a gym? To start somewhere? Who cares if there are stronger fitter people there. Trust me they are more than happy to lend you a hand when need be, in fact, they started somewhere to. I’m also and all or nothing type person – so for me If I’m not eating ridiculously healthy, them I’m eating terribly. But it doesn’t have to be like that for other people. Just making a conscious effort to eat ‘better’ than you normally do is a great place to start.

In the end, it’s not about being the fittest person, the skinniest person or the healthiest person in the world. Simply put, it is about being the best version of you that you can be, about setting a good example for those around you and living a long and healthy life. We can’t do all of these things morbidly obese. We need to get our bums up off the couch and do something.

The equation if simple: Good food + Exercise = a healthy body (and a killer rig to boot!!)

So get up, be active, put down the chocolate and soft drink and believe you can do it – because everyone is capable of living a healthy lifestyle NO EXCUSES!!!

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